I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
