I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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