No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
