I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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