Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
