just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize