I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize