I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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