I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My feet surprised me
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