I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
