If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
