we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
