Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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