This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
