The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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