You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
