So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
