Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
