What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
