we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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