If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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