So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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