it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
