saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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