i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
