Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
