its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Green mimosas i think yes
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
