i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
