I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
