just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Randomize
