my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
