Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize