If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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