i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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