I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
