did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
