Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
