I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
