happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
