I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
