she was so not down for the gang bang
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
