The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
