We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
