I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
