I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
