I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
