K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
