Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
