I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize