He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize