My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
