saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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