I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
