Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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