Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
