i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
