just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
