she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
