Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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