Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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