I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
