I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize