is your mom at the bar?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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