i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
