I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
