My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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